Every people pleaser starts off believing that it is our innate nature to please other people around us.
Why are we a people pleaser?
We seek validation, we crave attention and we attach our worth deeply to what we do and so, we people please. Whether that comes from childhood trauma, low self-esteem or a fear of rejection; that we will be abandoned or unloved if we don’t measure up. We chip away at ourselves in order to feel loved, to feel a sense of worth or value. We allow people to degrade us because anything but being rejected or disliked right? We do these things in order to feel accepted and valued, we think that we’re being “nice”. How much of it is really nice though? Doing things to receive something in return can sometimes creates these expectations that you are entitled to certain reactions or validations. For example, a mother always saying ‘Yes’ to demands or requests even when it is not in line with their own desires. People pleasing can backfire and it is a toxic cycle of dependency needing validation and approval constantly from others.
You can still be nice but not a people pleaser
You can be a nice person with boundaries. Nice doesn’t equate to being a people pleaser but instead standing your ground, being firm and understanding your own needs first. You don’t have to be perfect, we are made to be human; imperfectly flawed. It’s so easy to go back into our old habits and people please. Reflection. This is so important. After you reflect on an argument or a situation where you catch yourself people pleasing, think of what you would do next time and when that same situation arises, you will probably end up people pleasing again. But, guess what the good news is? Eventually, you’ll first reach this stage of catching yourself just before you act. This stage is really where you see changes. You will realise and watch what you say, how you act and enforce your change. It sounds like a long process hey? It is so worth it though, and even though this sounds hard, people pleasing is harder on you in the long run.
Saying ‘Yes’ to yourself by saying NO
Often times, we say “Yes” because we think we’re being a good person, that what we’re doing is admirable. Being a people pleaser means our boundaries are easy to defy, we can easily be pushed down. Sometimes, when you say “No” to other people means you are saying yes to your own needs and desires first.
How to show up for yourself
Do you struggle to assert yourself without feeling guilty? If so, you’re not alone. Many of us fall into the trap of people-pleasing, but it’s time to break free and reclaim your power. In this blog post, I’ll share a 10-step plan to help you stand up for yourself confidently and compassionately, without sacrificing your kindness.
- Self-reflection: Reflect on situations where you have felt uncomfortable or taken advantage of due to people-pleasing tendencies.
- Identify boundaries: Determine what your personal boundaries are and where you want to draw the line in various aspects of your life, such as work, relationships, and social situations.
- Practice assertiveness: Role-play assertive responses to common scenarios where you typically struggle to speak up for yourself. Practice saying no firmly but politely.
- Use “I” statements: When expressing your needs or boundaries, use “I” statements to assert yourself without sounding accusatory. For example, “I feel overwhelmed when I take on too many tasks” rather than “You always give me too much to do.”
- Set clear expectations: Communicate your expectations clearly and directly with others, whether it’s regarding workload, personal space, or time commitments.
- Learn to say no: Practice saying no without offering lengthy explanations or feeling guilty. Remember, saying no is not a rejection of others; it’s a prioritisation of your own needs.
- Seek support: Surround yourself with supportive friends, family members, or colleagues who understand and respect your boundaries. Discuss your struggles with them and ask for their encouragement and guidance.
- Celebrate progress: Recognise and celebrate your successes, no matter how small. Each time you assert yourself and maintain your boundaries, acknowledge the progress you’ve made.
- Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself throughout this process. It’s normal to encounter setbacks or feel uncomfortable at times, but remember that you’re taking positive steps toward greater self-assertiveness and self-care.
- Seek professional help if needed: If you find it challenging to overcome your people-pleasing tendencies on your own, consider seeking support from a therapist or counsellor who can provide personalised guidance and strategies
You deserve to live a life where your needs and boundaries are respected. By following these 10 steps, you can cultivate the confidence and assertiveness needed to stand up for yourself while remaining true to your kind nature. It’s time to embrace your inner strength and empower yourself to live authentically and boldly.
Check out this post about How To Reinforce Positive Affirmations To Empower Yourself. To reach your highest self, continue to strive towards your goals and be kind to yourself!
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